Blow job etiquette (by a woman)
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to suck your dick.
2. Extension to rule #1- so if you get a blow job, be grateful.
3. I don’t care what they did in the porn video you saw; you’re not cummng on my face. And I don’t care if cum is supposed to be good for my complexion.
4. Extension to rule #3- no I don’t have to swallow your cum.
5. My ears are not handles.
6. Extension to rule #5- do not push on the top of my head. Last I
heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really
want puke on your dick?
7. I don’t care how relaxed you get, it is never ok to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it’s “hummer week” -get it
through your head- I’m bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don’t feel
particularly obligated to blow you just because you can’t have sex right
now.
9. Extension to #8- “blue balls” might have worked on high school
girls- if your that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my
Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don’t tell me
I’ve just “wrecked it” for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately
afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like that blow job to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it’s probably best not to speculate
about the origins of our dick sucking talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that
we give good head. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn’t particularly taste good. And I don’t care about
the protein content.
14. No, I will not do it while you watch porn on TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get
blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to
either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because “it’s hard” when you get up does not mean I have
to “kiss it good morning”.
***********A man’s rebuttal *************
1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don’t we will
find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier
than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word “queef” mean
anything to you?
4. I Will use your ears as I see fit. Don’t worry about it and be
thankful I’m not pulling your hair.
5. When you’re on period, stuffing something in your mouth is the
only way to stop your bitching and moaning. Suck it up.
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days,
you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we
get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we’ve had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that.
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It’s hard in the morning
now, but when you get old and fat and looking for some
action, I gah-ron-tee it’ll be “sound asleep”.
13. If you swallow, then you don’t have to worry about getting any
on your face, now will you? Beside it’s good for your tongues complexion.